2. Miss on you pister you aren't so muchin' fuch go in your own jackyard and back off!!
3. A pot smoker says to his drill sergeant, "Reporting for doobie, sir"!!
4. There once was a bud named B.C.
He grew on a 7 foot tree
Till one day I plucked him
Rolled him&smoked him
And now I can barely see!
5. This white stoner guy is heading off to Jamaica for a week with his buddies. His fiancee, Wendy, is really worried about her man being unfaithful, so she asks him to tattoo her name to his penis. He agrees and does so. When his penis isn't erect you can see the letters W and Y. The woman feeling secure knowing that her name is tattooed on her man's penis says good-bye to her fiancee and he leaves for Jamaica. One day, while in Jamaica, the guy is at the urinal and a black Jamaican comes and stands at the urinal next to him. The white guy happens to notice that the Jamaican also has a tattoo on his penis and he could see the letters W and Y, so he says to the Jamaican, "Wow, that's really interesting! I guess you have a girlfriend named Wendy too!" The Jamaican looks at him with a puzzled look and then stretches out his penis to take a leak and it says, "Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day!"
6. Q: What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt?,
A: A pot hole!
7. Q. Why did the stoner cross the road?
A. Who else would follow a chicken?
8. A smugglers' boat was sighted by the Coast Guard. They dumped all their pot overboard, and it washed up on an island populated by sea gulls, terns and other sea birds. In a couple of days all over the island... there wasn't... a tern unstoned. .
9. Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you to stand behind you to tell you something I know nothing about. Thursday, which is Good Friday, we're having a Father's Day party for mother's only. Admission is free, pay at the door, pull out a chair and sit on the floor.
10. Late one night in the middle of the day, two dead soldiers got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, pulled out their swords and shot one another. A deaf policeman heard the noise, got up and shot the twice dead boys. If you don't believe me, ask the blind man who saw it all, through a knothole in a wooden brick wall.
11. Q. Why is pot better then beer?
A. Because beer only made Bud wiser,
but pot gave sense-t-millions.
12. These two stoners walk into a sports bar, and are stopped by two health nuts drinking protein shakes. One nut says "How could you smoke that filthy shit? Why not try playing some sports for a change?" The other health nut says, "Yeah!" One stoner says, "We do play sports. Ever played weed football?" The health nuts, interested in dominating any sport, say, "No, but we will beat you at it anyway." The other stoner explains the rules: "The first thing you do is take a 4-feet bong rip of weed, second thing is run across the bar and back. That is 6 points. The field goal is when you pass the pipe and pull down your pants, then blow the hit out of your ass. That's how you play. Any questions?" The health nuts agree to play. The first stoner gets up, takes a huge 4-foot bong rip, trots around the bar, and says, "Touchdown! 6 points." Pulls down his pants, farts the rip and says "7-0." The first health nut gets up and takes some baby hits, sprints the bar, and says, "Touchdown!" He then farts the hit through his spandex shorts and says "7-7, bitch!" The second stoner gets up and takes a giant hit, runs the bar, passes the 4-foot bong, pulls down his pants, and end's up shitting on the bar. The first health nut yells, "No good! 13-7!" The second health nut gets up and takes a much larger bong hit than the two stoners combined, catapults across the bar and passes the bong. He then yells, "Touchdown! 13-13!" Then he pulls down his pants to fart the hit, but has trouble farting the hit and starts to grunt. The stoners then take the bong and ram it up his ass and chant, "BLOCK THAT KICK! BLOCK THAT KICK!"
13. A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?" The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?" And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again. He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?" The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!" The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?" The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."
14. Q. What do you get when you hire a
stoner?
A. HIGH quality work!
15. Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting stoner.
Interrupting sto...
Let's smoke another bowl, dude.
16. Q. How do you know when a
Deadhead is going to leave?
A. The phone bill comes.
17. Q. What do you call a stoned
epileptic?
A. Shake and bake.
18. Eric Clapton and Jerry Garcia were walking in the jungle when they were captured by cannibals. The cannibals said, "First we're going to put you in a pot, then we're going to eat you, but first we will grant you each one request." Jerry says, "Just give me one last chance to play 'Truckin',' that's all I want." The cannibals look at Eric Clapton, and he says, "Just fucking eat me before he plays that damn song!!"
19. Q. What's the difference between a
police car and a porcupine?
A. Porcupines have pricks on the
outside.
20. A stoner was walking down the street one day with his dog. It was very hot outside so he tied his dog under a tree and went into a bar for a cold beer. Meanwhile a little old lady complained to two RCMP officers that two dogs were going at it outside of the bar. The officers went inside the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied up outside?" "I do," said the stoner. "Do you know that your dog is in heat?" said one officer. "No he ain't man, I tied him up under a big tree," said the stoner. "No, I mean that your dog's needin' bred," said the officer. "Shit," said the stoner, "I just fed him half an hour ago." "No, no you stupid ass," said the cop. "I mean your dog needs to get fucked." The stoner thought for a moment and said, "Well go right ahead, I always wanted a police dog."
21. Q. You're flying down the road in
your canoe at 70 cows a minute, and
you start running out of gas, so you
pull into a gas station. How many
donuts does it take to get to the moon?
A. None, because chickens don't have
lips. (Ummm...am I missing something here?)
22. Once there were three men on Death Row: one from Texas, one from New York City and a pothead from Missouri. On the day of their execution they were given a choice between death by hanging or the electric chair. First, the man from Texas walks up and he says, "Man I don't want to die choking so I will take the electric chair." The executioner says, "The chair is broken, so you're free to go." As he's walking out he tells the man from NYC that the chair is broken. So the man from NYC walks up says "Hmmmm!!! I'll take the electric chair!" The cop says, "You're free to go!" So as he's walking out he tells the pothead the electric chair is broken. The weedhead walks up and says "Hmmmm!!! Well, since the electric chair here is broken, I guess I am gonna have to take the gas chamber."
23. There's an Aggie, a Yankee, and a stoner stranded on a deserted island. A genie suddenly appears and grants each of them a wish. The Aggie says, "I wish I was in Hawaii surrounded by beautiful women." POOF!! He was granted his wish. Next, the Yankee said, "I wish I was home surrounded by piles and piles of money!" POOF!! His wish was granted. The stoners turn was next. So he looks around, realizes he is alone, and says with a bewildered look, "I wish my friends were back." POOF!!
24. A stoner walks into a pub and sees a
sign hanging over the bar which
reads:
---------------------------------------
| Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
| Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
| Hand Job: $10.00
---------------------------------------
Checking his wallet for the necessary
payment, he walks up to the bar and
beckons to one of the three
exceptionally-attractive blondes serving
drinks to an eager-looking group of
men.
"Yes?" she asks with a knowing smile,
"May I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man,
"are you the one who gives the
hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your
fucking hands, I want a cheese
sandwich!"
25. Q. Why is the oval office round?
A. So they can't f*ck up the rotation
with all those heads in it.
26. Three hippies are sitting around smoking a joint. One says, "I am going to go take a bath." He goes upstairs to the bathroom, fills up the bathtub, starts to get in the bathtub and then stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Hmmmmm, am I getting in or am I getting out?" So he sits there and thinks about it. The second one says, "Well, he's been up there for awhile, I better go check on him." When he gets halfway upstairs he stops for a moment, and thinks to himself, "Am I going upstairs or am I going downstairs?" He stays there and thinks about it. The third guy says, "I hope I never get blasted as much as those two, knock on wood!" So he knocks on the table and says, "Was that the front door or the back door?"
27. Q. What do you call a "Stoned
Eskimo"?
A. "Baked Alaskan"
28. A stoner walks into a 7-11 and says to the guy behind the counter, "Got any weed?" The man says, "No, we don't," so the stoner leaves. The next day the stoner comes back and says, "got any weed?". The man behind the counter once again says, "No, I told you yesterday, we don't sell weed here," and with that the stoner leaves again. So the stoner comes back the next day and says, "Hey, got any weed?" The man behind the counter says, "Look, asshole, I told you twice already we don't sell any fucking weed in here. If you come in here again and ask for weed I'm gonna nail your fucking feet to the floor you fucking burnout!" So the stoner leaves. The next day the stoner comes back and says, "Hey, got any nails?" The man behind the counter says, "No." So the stoner says, "Got any weed?"
29. A few stoner pick up lines
30. "Your mind is like a parachute; it
work's better when it's HIGH!"
31. Hey do you think if you snorted John
Denver's ashes you would get a Rocky
Mountain High???
32. Reality is an illusion caused by a lack of
good weed.
33. Now that Jerry Garcia has died, all the
people previously known as
"Deadheads" will now be classified as
"homeless people."
34. I quit smoking pot once..... It was the
worst 15 minutes of my life!!!
35. I smoke in moderation, only one joint at
a time.
36. You might be a stoner if:
But you know you are true stoner when:
You know you're really high when:
37. Q. What's the stoner's definition of
desperate?
38. Stoner Sayings:
39. Mary Jane was walking down the beach
when she saw a man being circled by
sharks, but she laughed and she laughed
'cause she knew those sharks wouldn't
help him....
40. Mary Jane was walking down the street
and she saw a fly on a pile of crap, and
she laughed and laughed 'cause she
knew that fly didn't do all that....
41. There once was a lady named Mash,
42. Q. What do you call a cop with ounce
of primo pot?
43. One pothead overheard talking to
another after a song on the radio ends:
"Did that just that take forever or am I
really stoned?"
44. Bill Clinton and Jesse Jackson are at
the Democratic Convention and Bill is
having a tough time with the media.
Clinton walks into the bathroom and
sees Jackson there so he asks him,
"Jesse, does it ever really get to you
when the media won't leave you alone?"
Jackson says, "It used to but now I
smoke a bowl before I sleep every night
and it has calmed me down."
So that night, Clinton walked into his
room late and Hillary was already in
bed. He tried not to wake her and sat on
the side of the bed and sparked a bowl.
Suddenly Hillary awoke and said, "Jesse,
is that you again."
45. Q. How does a real Deadhead
respond when another Deadhead ask
him to pass a joint?
46. Knock knock!
47. Q. Which end of the joint should one
light?
48. In the far high country of the
northwest there is The Legend Of
The Great Stoner Bear. One day a
wildlife trophy hunter decided that The
Great Stoner Bear would be his as a
trophy.
The hunter arrived early one morning at
the top of a mountain, and began to use
all of his hunter's instincts to find The
Great Stoner Bear. Upon looking into a
meadow clearing the hunter spotted the
bear. He took careful aim and BLAM!
He shot The Great Stoner Bear. The
hunter rushed down the mountain to the
meadow to collect his trophy. But when
the hunter got there stoner bear was
gone!
Suddenly there was a tap tap tapping on
the hunters shoulder. He turned and
there was The Great Stoner Bear. The
Stoner Bear said to the hunter, "I either
got to eat you or fuck you!" The hunter
was scared shitless so he dropped his
drawers and the Stoner Bear did his
thing and shuffled into the woods.
The hunter was completely humiliated
by the experience and vowed to return
the next day to avenge his manhood,
shoot the bear and retrieve his trophy.
Early the next morning, the same hill,
meadow and bear. The hunter aimed his
new and improved rifle at the Great
Stoner Bear and shoots: BLAM! The
bear falls to the ground. Motionless. The
hunter watches for any movement. After
a few minutes he rushes down the
mountain. Only to find the bear gone.
Tap tap tap on his shoulder. He turns
around and the Stoner Bear says, "I
either got to eat you or fuck you." The
hunter drops his drawers and the bear
does his thing and moves off into the
woods.
The next morning the hunter is really
pissed off. He goes back to the woods
dead set on revenge and armed with an
elephant gun that's outfitted with the
most expensive telescopic sight he can
buy. He spots the bear. The bear is
frolicking having a grand time. The
hunter aims for what seems like hours at
the perfect moment. Finally, he gets the
Stoner Bear in perfect position, and
realizes there is no way he can miss this
time. He shoots. BLAM! The bear falls
to the ground. Motionless. The hunter
waits for a half an hour and the bear is
still down. The hunter rushes down the
mountain to get his trophy. The Great
Stoner Bear is gone. Tap Tap Tap.
The hunter turns to face great stoner
bear and The Great Stoner Bear says,
"You're not here for the hunting, are
ya?"
49. Two blondes are getting wasted at a
party. "I think you had enough," one
says to the other. "Your face is getting
blurry!"
50. Q. What do you call a hippie in a suit?
51. A fat guy, a horny guy, and a stoner all
die and go to hell. When they get there,
Satan was in a really good mood. He
says to the three guys, "Okay, I'm going
to lock you in a room for 10,000 years
but since I'm in a good mood I will let
you take what ever you hold to be the
most important things you loved on
earth with you, but just for the first
5,000 years."
The fat guy says, "I love food, all kinds
of food, Mexican, Chinese, you name
it." Satan says, "Food it is!" and puts the
fat guy in a room full of more food than
any one person has ever seen. The
horny guy says, "I love women. I want
to be locked in a room with 100
women." Satan grants the request and
locks the horny guy in the room with
100 woman. The stoner says, "Man,
that's easy! I want pot all types of pot,
sativa, indica, skunk, all kinds!" So
Satan locks the stoner in a room with
two million pounds of pot.
Three thousand years later, Satan comes
back to check on them. When he opens
the door to the fat guy's room, it was the
worst sight Satan had ever seen. The
room's full of shit and rotting food. The
fat guy now weighs 12,000 pounds and
says to Satan, "Please help me!" Satan
laughs and closes the door.
Next he opens the door to the horny
guy's room. "Satan," he pleads, "You got
to get me out of here! All the woman are
three thousand years old and I have
thousands of screaming children!" Satan
closed the door and laughed.
Now Satan opens the door to the
stoner's room, but before Satan can
open the door he is knocked down by
the stoner. The stoner stands over Satan,
pulling his hair out, and screams " HEY,
MAN! YOU GOT A LIGHT?"
51. Q. How many hippies can you fit into
a bathtub?
52. A hippie was seen crawling down
some railway tracks. When asked if
there was a problem, he said, "Yeah,
man, can you help me off this ladder?"
53. Q. What do you get when you cross
two pot heads that find a bong?
54. Q. Why don't stoners like pickles?
55. Q. What comes around two times
daily, but is only present once a year?
56. Two potheads just finished a couple
bowl packs. While they are driving
around in a jeep, once they fill it again
they approach a stop sign, the driver
says, "Yeah, I'll obey the law and stop at
the sign, BUT I'LL SPARK UP A JOINT
WHILE I'M DOING IT."
57. Two stoners are walking down the
street one pleasant day, when one
stoner says to the other, "You know,
I'm really glad we're doing this." The
other stoner replies, "Yeah, me too."
They walked a little further when the
first stoner said to the second, "By the
way, where are we going?" The second
stoner replies, "I don't know I thought
you knew."
57. There was a super genius and a
stoner sitting on a bench waiting for a
bus. The genius gets bored, leans over
to the stoner and says, " Hey I tell you
what, I'll ask you a question and if you
don't know the answer you have to give
me five bucks. If you ask me a question
and I don't know the answer I have to
give you 50 bucks." The stoner says,
"Alright, man."
The genius asks the stoner, "What is the
Pythagorian Theory?" The stoner
replies, "I don't know" and hands the
genius five bucks. "Okay," the stoner
says, "What has three legs going up a hill
and four legs going down?" The genius
thinks hard and finally gives up. He
hands the stoner 50 bucks then asks, "So
what is the answer?" The stoner says, "I
don't know," and hands the genius five
bucks.
58. Q. How is the Ohio State Buckeyes
and marijuana the same?
59. Q. Why do hippie chicks have their
belly buttons pierced?
60. Q. What did Mickey Mantle and
Jerry Garcia have in common?
61. Q. Let's say you had two joints and
your good friend walked in and asked
politely, "Can I have one?" What
would be the proper thing to say?
62. Q. Why don't they smoke bud in
Russia?
63. A linguistics professor was lecturing
to his class one day. "In English," he
said, "A double negative forms a
positive. In some languages, though,
such as Russian, a double negative is
still a negative. However, there is no
language wherein a double positive can
form a negative."
The stoner in the back of the room
piped up, "Yeah, right."
64. A guy walks into a coffee shop in
Amsterdam with a pet alligator by his
side. He puts the alligator up on the
counter.
He turns to the astonished patrons and
says, "I will make you a deal. I will open
this alligator's mouth and place my
genitals inside. Then the gator will close
his mouth for one minute. He will then
open his mouth and I will remove my
unit unscratched. In return for
witnessing this spectacle, each of you
will buy me some blond hash."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the counter,
dropped his pants, and placed his
privates in the alligator's open mouth.
The crowd gasped as the gator closed
his mouth.
After a minute, the man grabbed a
ceramic bong and rapped the alligator
hard on the top of its head. The alligator
opened his mouth and the man removed
his genitals unscathed.
The crowd cheered and the first of his
free bowls was delivered.
The man took a few tokes, stood up
again and made another offer. "I will
pay anyone in the audience 500 guilders
who is willing to give this a try."
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the
back of the bar. A blonde woman
timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to
hit me on the head with the bong."
65. A stoner gets on a plane heading for
California. About a half-hour passes by
and the pilot comes over the intercom
and says, "There will be a 30 minute
delay to Los Angeles due to the fact that
we've lost one of our four engines."
About 40 minutes later, the pilots voice
rings again we've lost another engine it
will be another hour delay to Los
Angeles. The pilot comes back over the
intercom and says "Sorry, but we've lost
another engine. It will be a hour and a
half delay to Los Angeles." The stoner
stands up and yells, "Goddamit! If we
lose another engine we'll be up here all
night!"
66. Q. How do you get a stoner out of a
room filled with weed?
67. Q. How many potheads does it take to
change a light bulb?
68. Q. What did the dyslexic guy say to
his stoned friend?
69. Q. What do you do if a stoner throws
a hand-grenade at you?
70. Q. How do you stop an army of
stoners on horseback?
71. A man walks into a bar on the 20th
floor of a skyscraper building and sits
next to another man smoking a spliff.
The guy smoking the spliff turned to the
man and said, "This Buddha is so dank
it will make you fly!" To prove his point
he jumped out the window started
waving his arms and flying in the air.
The man watched with astonishment and
then quickly took a toke off the spliff,
jumped out the window. SPLAT! He
died when he hit the ground.
Seconds after the man's death the
bartender leaned over to the man and
asked, "How many times are you going
to pull that mean trick, Superman.
72. A stoner goes into a restaurant and is
seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress
wearing a very short skirt and legs that
won't quit came to his table and asked if
he was ready to order.
"What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her
beautiful frame top to bottom, then
answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in
disgust.
After she regains her composure she
returns and asks again, "Now then, what
would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her
out and again he answers, "A quickie,
please."
This time her anger takes over, she
reaches over and slaps him across the
face with a resounding "SMACK!" and
storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over
and whispers, "Um, I think it's
pronounced "QUICHE."
73. Q. What's another word for pot?
74. This stoner walked into the First
National Bank and went to the front
counter. The stoner ask to see the
president of the bank and said it was
urgent. The lady behind the counter
escorted him to the bank president's
office. The stoner said, "I bet you $1,000
that your balls are square." The
president, thinking this was crazy, said,
"That's a stupid bet, you could never
win."
After some arguing over the bet, they
agreed on the bet and just as the stoner
was about to leave he said, "Since this is
a lot of money, do you mind if I bring
my lawyer with me?" The banks
president, thinking this was fair, agreed
to the request. That night the president
was very worried and keep looking at
his balls in the mirror. Finally, after
hours of this looking, he was convinced,
he was certain, they were definitely not
square.
The next morning, at 9:50 AM the stoner
walked into the bank with his lawyer
and walked towards the president's
office. He stepped in to office and the
president turned down all the blinds,
locked his door and pulled down his
pants. Then the stoner asked if he could
actually feel them. Since this was a lot of
money, the president agreed. Now, the
lawyer was banging his head against the
wall. The president asked, "Why is your
lawyer banging his head against the
wall?" The stoner replied, "Yesterday I
bet him 10 pounds of weed that by 10:00
AM today, I would have your balls in
my hand!"
75. Q. What usually happens when your
at your friends house high while
watch the Superbowl?
A. After you've decided to smoke, and
while doing so, someone changes it the
to the Spanish Channel, and nobody
notices, 30 minutes later still no one
notices, and another 1:00 goes by and
still no body notices. A few minutes
later someone mentions, "What the hell
is this crap, I can't understand what
they're saying, weren't we watching
something else earlier?" And nobody
knows until they realize the reason
they're out on a Sunday is to watch the
Superbowl!
Holy Shit, that is a lot of jokes. That's all I'm gonna have for now. I'm sick of copying and pasting, I still have many, many more. Check back soon for more, and remember you stopped reading at 75. Remember? Yeah right, I'll just Put a spiffyrific bar after every time I update it. Yeah, that'll make it much easier.
You heard the weatherman accuses you
of hurting the ozone layer.
Your bong gets washed more than your
dishes.
You never know where you're keys are,
but you know exactly where you saw
that bud that dropped out of the pipe last
week..
It takes a hour to cook minute rice.
You sell your car for gas money.
You think a quarterback is a refund.
Your friend takes a hit and says "WOW
man, that stoned got me really hit!"
You are the only tobacco smoker in the
room and you look at the cigarette in the
ashtray and ask, "Is that my cigarette?"
You're eating something on your way
home thinking about what you're gonna
eat when you get home!!
When you go to hit a steamroller and
forget to cover the other end!!
A. Resin!!!!
Hey it's 4:25 let's light up!! (you can't
expect a stoner to be on time!)
Fuck the time... Where's my bong?
Stone me I'm kissed!
I bong therefore I am.
"Just one more hit & then I'm gonna
go!"
Who lived on pot and hash,
When she couldn't get these,
She'd scrape her vials with ease,
Rather than run and get her stash.
A. The fucking cop who just busted me!
A. "Wait! . . . . cough cough. . . . I'm not
done yet. . . . gimme ten more minutes
and I'll give you the rest!"
Who's there?
Puff.
Puff who?
Puff puff pass!!!
A. The one that isn't in your mouth.
A. The defendant!
A. None.
A. Happy campers!
A. Cuz they can't get their heads in the
jars.
A. 4:20!
A. They both get smoked in bowls.
A. It is a convenient place to hang an air
freshener.
A. They both had over a thousand
HITS!
A. Two for me, none for you!
A. Because they don't feel like standing
in line for food when they get the
munchies.
A. You don't.
A. Three. Two to take it out, and one to
figure out how to get high off the old
one...
A. Do you want to poke smot?
A. Take the pin out and throw it back.
A. Turn off the carousel.
A. (Long pause) What?
Q. What was the other one?
A. Um, what?
Q. Is that the joke?
A. Uh, what?
Knock Knock...
Who's there?
Uh, what?
Q. What more could a girl want?
A. Pot.
Q. What?
A. What.